Peek-A-Boo!

Loyal blog followers, how I've missed you!  It's been a few months and I'm sure a lot has been going on with you.  It sure has for me!  If you've been reading my little corner of the interwebs for any length of time (or you happen to know me in person), then you know things, they have been a-changin'.

I lost my job at a law firm I thought was great.  Turns out, everything happens for a reason.  I now have a job at a nationwide law firm with 1000 times better benefits (including free parking in downtown, a block from the Amway Center, 24/7/365) and MUCH nicer coworkers.  Suck on that, old law firm.

My fiance and I have been scouting for a place to live.  Nothing set in stone yet, but we've got an application in at a place I'm in love with... So cross your fingers and toes for us!  Fiance also just started a new job that's extremely exciting and has a very promising future. Our days of both being unemployed are OVER!  Can you hear the choir singing Glory Glory?  I certainly can.  Oh, speaking of choirs and church and such, in November I had my first rite on my way to baptism on Easter Vigil this year.  It was joyous, exciting, scary (I was in front of the entire congregation!) and fun all at the same time.  Fiance's mom took pictures, but her camera skills are a little weak, so the pictures didn't come out great, otherwise I'd post a couple.  My next rite, the rite of election, is next month at the biggest Catholic church in the Orlando diocese: Mary, Queen of the Universe.  It's going to be a big, big deal.  Lots of celebration to follow.

We finally set a wedding date!  While I'm not at liberty to tell you the exact date at this point, it will be in the fourth quarter of this year.  More blog posts to come on wedding planning and general hysteria.

I changed my Twitter name to @J_Rad2012, so if you're a follower, tuck that under your hat.

I had a very strange encounter right before Christmas with an ex from ages ago.  That definitely deserves its own post, so consider this a teaser. 

Anyway, I'm on my lunch break at this very moment.  I can't get into anything super long-winded since I only have a few minutes left.  I just wanted to check in and let you know that I'm back, baby!  One of my resolutions this year was to keep up with my blog, so you can expect to see more in the near future. Until then... :)

Modern Love

I promised a blog entry regarding the products that I'd sneak onto the desert island (still cringing) if that fate befell me.  Now that I'm in my thirties, I've really started to find myself being loyal to products that work for me.  Then again, some things that worked when I was younger just ain't cutting the mustard anymore.  I have tons of things that I adore, but I thought that I'd limit today's jewels to cosmetics and hygiene products.  Sound like a deal?  Okay, here we go...

Every girl needs a good cleanser.  This comes from my years being brainwashed as an Estee Lauder beauty advisor, however I have to admit that it really is good advice.  An ideal cleanser will remove most make up and all the dirt and oil accumulated on your gorgeous mug throughout the day.  If you wear waterproof makeup, you'll need an actual makeup remover but that's another entry.  My favorite cleanser happens to be a cheapie that you can actually afford!  Remember, I'm a bitch on a budget.  L'oreal Go Clean is the best that I've found.  I have combo skin and this isn't too drying or too harsh.  I have to admit that I do love that little scrubbie thingie, too. 

My Estee Lauder brainwashing told me that I must include a toner but I'll be honest with you, I just don't care for this step.  If that's your thing, go for it.  Some chicks need it.  I'm not in that crowd.  Up next for me is a fabulous moisturizer.  This is SUPER important.  And you can't use the same shit you put on your body.  Your face has delicate skin.  I assume that most of you reading are around the same age as myself... We have to start thinking about fighting off those wrinkles!

 

Korres Pomegranate Balancing Moisturiser rocks my socks. It's like a gel... But a cream.  It's light enough not to feel like I'm wearing an oily mask, but rich enough to actually give me some moisture.  I dig it.  And for the price, it ain't too bad.

Now it's time for the fun stuff... Makeup!  If you don't like makeup, you're a Communist.  I'm just sayin.  Anyway, before you start spackling yourself up, you need to get rid of those pothole sized pores on your nose and cheeks.

Benefit: The POREfessional is that exact spackle you need.  Yes, for a little tube it has a pretty big price.  But you have to understand...  It fills in the giant crater sized pores that could house small orphaned children.  That's worth the money.  A little dab goes a long way.  And it's translucent, so it's not changing your face to some weird color.  I've even worn it without other makeup over it and it works fab.

 

I'm a believer in mineral makeup.  It's one of those things that you're either totally for, or you're totally aghast at.  I don't have too many breakouts or scars to cover (just that one bullet hole), so I don't need theatrical coverage.  Bare Minerals Foundation is really the only choice.  Accept no impostors.  Yes, it may look scary all loosey goosey in that little pot... I understand if you're OCD you may have a hard time with it.  It comes with a great brush, called a kabuki, for application.  I've found that a tissue on my bathroom counter alleviates powder fallout.  Go with one of Bare Escentuals "Get Started" kits to begin with.  The coverage is sheer and build-able.  You can thank me later.  Just Tweet me @NoelleSebastian.

It has kind of a dirty name, and I like that about it.  It's also one of the most popular blushes EVER, and for good reason.  NARS Blush in Orgasm (yep, exactly) makes almost any girl look like she just... Well, you know.

 

There are a million and three eyeshadows out there and I could spend a whole blog talking about the ones I love.  For everyday, I wear something that's not even really considered an eyeshadow at all.  It's also made by Bare Escentuals, and it's an all over face color called Pure Radiance. It gives your eyes a little shimmer and a pick-me-up without being too over the top.  It's all you need at the office with a swipe of eyeliner and some good mascara.  Speaking of which...

Eyeliners piss me off most of the time.  They're either too chalky and don't glide on like they should, or they're so oily that they smudge and you end up looking like Rocky Raccoon by your morning coffee break.  Neither of those situations instills much hope in eyeliner wearers of the world.  Behold, Urban Decay 24/7 Glide-On Eye Pencil.  These pencils are the perfect balance of smooth and long-lasting.  They aren't waterproof, which in my book is a plus because I hate waterproof shit around my eyes.  They come in lots of sparkly, pretty colors, but honestly my favorite is called Zero, and it's the basic black.  Around the holidays, Sephora has gift sets where you can get a bunch of these little babies at once for a killer deal.  And hey, the holidays are just around the corner.  Santa, are you taking notes?

Before we can even talk mascara, we have to talk about the device depicted above.  An eyelash curler is essential, unless you're lucky enough to have perfectly curled and long, lush lashes.  If you are one of those people, poop on you.  Anyway, it's painless and it takes about 5 seconds for each eye.  The difference it makes is pretty remarkable.  I love my Tweezerman curler.

I'm like the Goldilocks of mascaras.  This one is too thick; this one is too thin; the brush on this one is all wrong...  I picked up a gift set of sample sized mascaras from Sephora after Valentine's Day this year, and the winner from that pack was Tarte's Lights, Camera, Lashes!  It does everything in one tube:  Curls, volumizes, conditions AND lengthens.  What more could you want?  And for me, the formula is just right.

I'm definitely the type of girl who doesn't feel dressed until I have some perfume on.  I like clean scents.  If it has too much musk or it's too flowery, I just can't hang.  I want something that not only I like sniffing at, but men do as well.  So far, Clean Shower Fresh has made a good impression on both genders alike. The Clean perfume line has at least 5 scents, probably more.  I just happen to be diggin on this one right now... But when it runs out I might go for something a little more Autumnal.  Or maybe not.  Woman's prerogative.

Anyway, my only other piece of advice is to get yourself enrolled in the Sephora rewards program and look for kits with stuff you want to try whenever possible.  It makes a big difference.

And is anyone else cringing about the desert island oxymoron?  Still just me?  Geez.

*Today's entry title is from Matt Nathanson's new album, conveniently titled "Modern Love"

There's A Fire Starting In My Heart

This entry is going to be a bit of a mish-mash, so hold on tight.  I figure bullet points is the easiest way to go about this, since it's early in the morning and I'm not inclined at this point to put together fully coherent thoughts.

• I deleted my Facebook account.  It's just become too Big Brother-ish.  I don't like everyone and their uncle knowing all my business.  I had too many 'friends' who I would probably never speak to in real life.  Why do these people need to know about my daily life?  They don't.  Not to mention, Facebook is too much like high school.  If you've read any of my blogs or know anything about me, you'll know that high school and I didn't part on amicable terms.  Getting out of there was one of the greatest days of my life.  Why should I relive it electronically?
• That being said, I do still have Twitter and Foursquare accounts.  Neither have my picture or full name attached to them.  If you'd like to follow me on either application, you can find me @JStoutie.
• I'm slowly repairing a broken friendship (A., this isn't about you.  We're fixed!) and I'm so happy to be making baby steps back to open communication.  I know better than to let communication lapse.  It's the enemy of any good relationship.
• I'm a hypocrite.  I freely admit it.  For years I wanted no part of religion.  I think that harkens back to the day when I was 10 years old and attending summer Bible school at a friend's Southern Baptist church and the preacher told me I was going to Hell because Jesus hadn't saved me.  After that, I figured this Jesus dude must be a real ball buster and I didn't need any part of that.  That was nearly 20 years ago, and I'm finally starting to open my heart.  I've been to Catholic mass a couple times now, and I've also been doing a lot of reading.  What really did it for me was reading a book called The Shack by William P. Young.  Honestly, if you're on the fence about God or you just want a reaffirmation of your faith, I strongly urge you to read this book.  I don't plan on turning this blog into anything preachy, so don't worry.  Faith is making an appearance in my life, so I'm sure it will make an occasional appearance here as well.  I'm still snarky, but my edges have been softened a little.
• Prince Charming and I put the brakes on our nuptials in a big way.  The stress of planning a wedding got to both of us.  Nothing has changed about our relationship except that we're taking the time to enjoy each other instead of crazily running around trying to put together a huge shindig.  That's not what it should be about, and we both realize that after coming to our senses.  
• I'm only going to say this, and then leave the subject alone:  "Googling" someone isn't a good idea.  You only get half truths and misinformation.  Ask questions, don't try to do an amateur background check.
• I'm taking two classes for the summer semester that I'm pretty excited about.  Both are online which isn't my favorite, but my favorite professor and mentor, Dr. J., doesn't teach classes during the summer.  Online classes also give me the freedom to travel a bit and not have to be in Melbourne on any particular day.  I'm taking Business Organizations and Law Office Procedures.  They may sound boring to you, but they are both classes that are essential to my field and I'm looking forward to learning what I need and getting them out of the way.  Fall semester will be here before I can even blink.  I should probably start thinking about my Fall schedule, come to think of it.  
• If you like getting manicures or pedicures, you need to seek out a salon that uses Shellac nail polish.  The stuff is incredible.  My manicure lasts for almost 2 weeks with no chipping.  Also, if you're a runner and your polish rubs off your toes (PlumQueen, I'm talking to you), you need to try Shellac.  It's more expensive, but it's SO worth it.  That's an endorsement coming from the Queen of Unemployment.  If you're in Central FL, the best place to go is Sorelli Hair Studio.  I get all my salon services done there (hair, facials, waxing, nails, massage) and everyone there is awesome.  

Well, I think that's it for this time.  As usual, everything is up and down and up again.  I wouldn't have it any other way!

*Today's post title is courtesy of "Rolling In The Deep" by Adele.  Get that album, she's incredible.

Amazing Again

Just one short year ago, my life felt like it was falling down around me.  I had no job, no car, barely a place to live... I was on the verge of a very strange breakup with someone I thought I cared a great deal for.  Last March I moved back in with Mom, filed a FAFSA and got myself enrolled in school again.  Slowly but surely I've been digging myself out of the awful pit I found myself in.  It's been an up and down sort of path to get to today.  I've had setbacks and triumphs.  I've been enormously humbled by the events of the last 14 months.

I was beginning to give up on the whole dating thing.  I had some fun dating around with a few guys, but nothing serious.  I just figured that something would come along eventually.  Honestly, I was happier alone than dating a bunch of randoms.  It just got too tiresome.  I've said this in past posts, but juggling a bunch of prospective dates is just not my style.  A couple weeks ago I made a deal with myself.  I decided to pay for one month on Chemistry.com (possibly the only legit dating site I hadn't yet given a go).  If, at the end of that month, I wasn't at least exchanging emails with someone, I'd delete my profile and go back to being dateless for at least a few more months.

Let's just say that $40 membership was a very, very good investment.  I met someone that I can honestly say without any hesitation that I'm totally crazy about.  He's smart and witty.  He has a good job and is completely self-sufficient.  He appreciates and respects the crapola I've been through in the last couple years and understands that I'm working extremely hard to make a better life for myself.  He has a pug and loves to cook just as much, if not more, than I do.  He's astoundingly generous and humble.  There are qualities he has that I honestly never thought I'd actually find in a man.  We are already so comfortable around each other that I have a hard time myself believing that we met in person for the first time less than a week ago.

I know it sounds like I'm jumping the gun on all this.  I don't think I am. 

There's this cyclical quality to life that I'm finally starting to wrap my head around.  Shit happens that gets you completely down and out, but then slowly things start to cycle back around.  Inch by inch, day by day, your world starts to turn itself right-side up again.  Things are starting to look amazing again.

Today's blog title is from "Amazing Again" by Matt Nathanson (the best indie artist EVER)

Resolve and Other Myths

I think that most people who know me personally know that I'm not a fan of the Christmas holiday.  I think it's way overrated and people spend much too much time dwelling on spending an excess of money trying to get the 'best' gifts for everyone they know.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those Jesus-Is-The-Reason-For-The-Season-Keep-CHRIST-In-Christmas types.  Far from it.  In fact, I cringe when I see that crap.  Everyone is entitled to their beliefs and if you're blessed to live in America, you have the freedom of speech.  That being said, shut up.  Really.  And if you have a birthday cake for Jesus on Christmas day, I'm likely to tell you that December 25th is not, in fact, the day of the Savior's birth.  But really, I don't want to argue.  Believe whatever floats your boat.  Here's how I sum it up (courtesy of Badass Geek):

 

And now on to other matters...  I've decided that after years of having a singular New Year's resolution (which was to never have any resolutions), I'm going to make a few this year.  Now is as good a time as any to turn over a new leaf.  It just so happens to coincide with the calendar changing from December to January.  I need to make some changes.  So here they are:

• Fast food no more than once per month,
• Exercise at least 5 days per week,
• Study hard and make A's in all my classes,
• Reconnect with friends who I've neglected my relationships with.

That's it.  Four is a nice, round number.  I think I'll be able to handle that.  We shall see.

The American Holiday

It's almost upon us again.  Thanksgiving.  Unequivocally my very favorite of all holidays.  There are a lot of reasons to love Thanksgiving, most of which have to do with unadulterated gluttony.  Is there really anything more American that one day devoted to the gluttonous consuming of as many calories as your body can handle before calling uncle?  No my friends, nothing says America like Thanksgiving.  Sure, other countries have their own versions of our American tradition.  Canada celebrated their Thanksgiving last month.  Although I've never encountered a foreign Thanksgiving, I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that it wouldn't compare with the States version.

I love the family aspect of the holiday as well.  I'm a huge believer in the power of family, be it blood relatives or close friends.  A day to give thanks for your loved ones strikes a chord with me.  Another thing I love about it is its decided lack of religious foundation.  No matter what your religion, you can celebrate Thanksgiving with abandon.  It sort of sums up the American way of 'all men are created equal.'  I love that.  Just the thought of a day set aside specifically to be thankful for everything you have, no matter how much or how little, is a lovely idea.  Some critics of the holiday argue that the original Thanksgivings were an exploitation of the Native Americans... Blah, blah, blah.  Being of Native American descent myself, I don't believe that hooey.

There's the football, which I'm not a fan of at all.  I'll admit that it's a huge part of the American landscape on Thanksgiving, though.  It's not the same without a game on in the background... One that I ignore completely.  Of course there is the Macy's parade as well.  I never watch the whole thing, but the end with Santa always makes me smile like a little girl.

And then there's the actual food.   There are certain things, in my mind, that must be present on the table for it to be a true Thanksgiving dinner.  First and foremost, there's the turkey.  Turkey is the essential ingredient not only to the holiday dinner, but to the leftovers for the next week.  What's life without a turkey sandwich on Black Friday?  Of course if you're from the south, there has to be some incarnation of sweet potatoes.  This is essential.  Stuffing/dressing... The debate about which is which rages on.  If you're Southern like me, dressing is baked in a dish on the side and stuffing is baked in the bird.  Both must be on the table.  End of argument.  Gravy.  Gallons of it.  No compromise, it must be homemade.  That stuff in a jar is a joke.  Mashed potatoes... No potato salad, baked potatoes or rice thankyouverymuch.  And if you even think of busting out instant mashed potatoes, I'm not coming to your Thanksgiving dinner.  That's just blasphemy.  Green bean casserole...  I like mine with fresh green beans, but that might offend some people.  It must include French's onions on top.  Cranberry sauce is ubiquitous, although I must admit that I really love the stuff in the can that's flopped out onto a relish tray with the lines from the can still intact.  I make a damn good cranberry mold as well, but I'm just as happy with the canned goodness.  There must be some sort of pumpkin dessert.  Good southerners wouldn't be without a pecan pie on their table on Thanksgiving day, either.  Apple pie is the All-American dessert, so it's always welcome.  Some sort of dinner roll must be present to slop up all those gallons of homemade gravy, too.

I've been thinking a lot about Thanksgiving this year, because as I stated, it really is my favorite holiday.  Part of the reason that I've been thinking so much about it is because I've been having thoughts of moving out of the U.S. in the next few years.   Yes, I'm dropping that bomb in the middle of my American holiday post.  No, I'm not answering any questions about when or why.  I just know that if I do make that move, Thanksgiving will still be held on the last Thursday in November in my house, no matter where in the world I'm living.  I would say that it's the one day out of 365 that I'm the happiest.  Nothing is better than surrounding yourself with your loved ones, a huge table of homemade comfort food and the opportunity to reflect and be thankful for everything you have.  I'd say that's a holiday without borders, even if it is All-American.

On Hiatus... Sorta.

Ever since I started dating (at the tender age of 14), I've been a serial monogamist.  I've pretty steadily had a boyfriend since that first loser I dated all those years ago.  I've gone periods without, but those periods have been without any sort of romantic prospects, not just without a boyfriend.  I always liked being in a relationship, but I never once thought that it was detrimental to my sense of self to have a significant other.

Consider my mind changed on that subject.  I've been on a boyfriend sabbatical for a while now, and I have to say that I'm loving it.  Never had I had more time to devote to myself.  Call me selfish, but I really like that.  I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I want in a relationship and even more time thinking about what I don't want.  I think my mind and heart are both in a good place.  It's nice to focus on yourself.  Physically, I'm better than I've been in ages.  Last time I was at the doctor, I'd lost another 10 pounds.  While I still have a long way to go, it certainly feels good.

And that's not to say that I'm remaining completely celibate boy-wise.  I've been dating here and there.  I kind of dig that as well.  I've never really been the type to go out on dates and meet a lot of different people.  This is new and somewhat uncharted territory for me.  I like having the company of someone I like and enjoy being with, but not having to check in and give minute updates on my everyday life.  I like that I can keep some mystery.  I'm feeling more fulfilled than I have in years... In more ways than one. 

Finding someone to eventually settle down with is still something that is very important to me.  I'll get to that place eventually.  I've learned that it's not a race and I don't need to settle.  Ever.  I deserve the best and nothing less.  In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy what comes my way.  It's working out well so far.

Gravity

On Saturday, I turned 29.  If you do the math, you'll realize that I met my 20's watching the Twin Towers fall.  It seems like it was just yesterday.  Nine years.  This is my last year in my 20's, and I'm not so sure how to take it.  I've said jokingly that this is the oldest I'll ever get.  I'm just going to continue turning 29 from now on for each birthday.  I'm not scared of getting older anymore.  There was a time (probably when I turned 20) that the thought of 30 sent chills down my spine.  I've come to realize that even though life gets exponentially more complicated as the years pass, the potential for joy also grows.  It gets compressed into smaller moments, but those moments feel so much sweeter when they come along.

There's a couple lines in my favorite John Mayer song that I'm beginning to believe more and more:

Oh twice as much ain't twice as good
And can't sustain like one half could

I crossed my fingers and wished upon wishes that when I saw John Mayer live on Friday night in Tampa, 'Gravity' would be on the set list.  The birthday fairies smiled upon me and I got my wish as the second to last song before the encore.  I don't care what anyone thinks, I'm saying it now.  John Mayer was better in concert than Dave Matthews Band.  If you read my post about that concert, you know that I had a fantastic time.  This show was even better. 

I've lived a lot of life in the past 29 years.  I've had so many experiences, both amazing and awful.  It's been a crazy roller coaster and I'd expect nothing less in the years to come.  I know I'm in a good place personally right now.  Financially, I'm a disaster.  Physically, I'm a work in progress.  Spiritually, I'm not where I want to be.  Emotionally, I'm not sure I've ever been better.  I still struggle with the angel and devil on my shoulders when it comes to relationships.  I wonder if having a hardened heart is the way to go, never getting too close.  Then again, my instincts tell me that the only way to approach life is with a heart wide open.  I may always grapple with that quandary.  Maybe the older you get, the easier it is to find a happy medium.  Who knows for sure? 

If there's a lesson to be learned from my 20's, I think I learned it on September 11, 2001 in my first day as a twenty-something.  Never take it for granted, because before you know it, it can be gone. 

Bone In The Throat

In the past, I've posted lists of things that annoy me.  I don't know if it's a side effect of getting older (my birthday is next week, dreadful), or just that I find more things to be pissed about.  Maybe it's a combination of both, like the old man who gets pissed at the kids on his lawn.  Whatever the reason, my list is longer.  Here are a few things that have irked me as of late, in no particular order of course.

• The excessive use of exclamation points.  In previous posts, I think I have committed this sin.  Henceforth, that will not be happening.  The exclamation point has a time and a place, just like the question mark does.  You wouldn't put a question mark at the end of a statement.  Stop using !!!! like you're in middle school.
• People who don't read.  Is it because you're stupid?  Really, if you don't read at all, you appear pretty stupid.
• Not responding to text messages, emails, voice mails or other communication.  I highly doubt that anyone is so busy that they can't shoot off a quick text message.  Are your thumbs broken?  That's possibly the only good excuse.
• Poor spelling.  In an age where just about every form of communication has a spell check, there is no excuse for blatantly poor spelling.  My iPhone predicts words I could hardly dream of.  
• Gray hairs, particularly mine.  Other people's gray hairs don't bother me.  I'm not even 29 yet.  There is no need for this kind of hair drama in my life.
• People who claim to not like animals.  I've encountered this twice in the past couple weeks.  I'm sorry, you cannot be trusted.
• Anything "fat-free".  What's there instead of the fat?  Chemicals?  I'll take a little fat, thanks.  
• Online discussion boards for college classes.  I'm not there to discuss shit, I'm there to get my degree.  Talk amongst yourselves, but don't require me to participate.

Just to even things out, here are a few things that really make me happy.

• Someone cooking for me.  This list may be in no particular order, but that is definitely number one.  This is especially true if it's unexpected.  Even better if the food is good, but honestly that isn't a prerequisite.
• Concerts.  I saw Dave Matthews Band last month (as referenced in a previous post), I'm seeing John Mayer this coming week and Anberlin in November.  Live music makes me feel alive.  I dunno, call me a dork.
• Fried chicken.  My ass proves it.
• Learning.  This whole going-back-to-college thing has really made me feel good about myself.  I'm being productive and I feel like my brain is getting a workout.
• Pedicures, manicures, hair styling, facials and massages.  I'm a chick.  I love to be pampered.
• Sleep.  I don't get all that much of it thanks to some serious insomnia, but when I do get it, it's downright blissful.

That's enough for now.  I needed a little rant.  I just thought I'd throw in some good stuff to keep my chi in balance and my zen aligned... Or whatever.

Happy Accidents

My posts have gotten a little touchy-feely lately, and for that I apologize.  I'm warning you up front, dear reader, that this is another one of those posts.  So I'm in a happy place.  Sue me.  I promise to resume my usual derision-filled rants soon enough.  For now, let me have my moment.

I like the term "happy accident".  Sometimes things have a way of happening that turn out to be better than you could have imagined.  I love that.  With life being so stressful and filled with disappointments, a happy accident once in a while definitely helps me keep the faith.  What exactly do I mean?  Well, basically anything unexpected that seems to just fall out of the sky, especially when you're really looking in the other direction.  That's what an accident is anyway, isn't it?  Unplanned, unscripted... It doesn't have to be a car crash.  It can be an impromptu cup of coffee with someone that stops your heart for a second or two.  Doesn't that sound lovely?

Yes, it certainly does.  Imagine my surprise when that's what fell into my lap yesterday afternoon.  I had been chatting with someone for a while and we decided to meet for Starbucks and conversation.  I had absolutely zero expectations, other than getting my caramel macchiato fix.  So when I found myself leaning closer, speaking more softly, laughing a little more... I was definitely surprised, and most pleasantly.  Yesterday gave way to a stressful morning today (I shall leave those details out, as they have nothing to do with this little story) and then there I was again with this new person.

After spending the better part of the afternoon together (driving to the Port to look at the ships, walking on the beach, eating the world's best fried chicken), I was starting to feel a little dazed.  The rest of the world was starting to fall away and seem a little out of focus.  Before I knew it, the proverbial clock struck midnight.  Responsibilities beckoned.  Just like that, it was over and I was in my car driving home with my heart beating so erratically that I felt a little light-headed.  Honestly, dear reader, it's been years since my heart has felt more than even a tiny blip on its radar.  To say I was blind-sided would probably be a fairly accurate description of today's events.

So what now?  I haven't a clue.  I wish I could wrap this story up with a pretty little bow, but you and I both know that life rarely works that way.  He's on his way back to Memphis... His home.  And here I am, with an erratic heartbeat.  I'd love to be able to say that I could sustain myself on a few precious hours of whatever it was that was happening between us.  I wish that I could.  I can't.  It wasn't nearly enough.  Imagine a divine dessert, placed in front of you with a spoon and a welcome.  After one or two bites, that lovely plate is taken away, and the sweetness lingers... But really, you'd just love a couple more spoonfuls.  Or the whole plate.  Or the whole dessert, do you mind bringing the pan out from the kitchen?  That little bit you were lucky enough to taste couldn't be enough to satisfy.  That's how I feel. 

Happy.  Very happy.  Wanting more.  We shall see...

The Space Between

If you were to hear the term "romantic realist," what would you think?  Would you consider it an oxymoron?  The two adjectives seem diametrically opposed... A romantic is generally someone who sees the world through rose-colored glasses, who thinks the best of everyone and looks for good in every situation.  A realist is someone who looks analytically at every situation and never sugar-coats anything.  So how in the world can one and the other live together in the same person?  Honestly, I'm not sure.  I know that I think of myself as a romantic realist.  I want the best from every situation, yet am fully aware that the best doesn't come easily.  I have no illusions that every person is good and just, but I hope to find a glimmer of good in everyone.

I look at life as a series of moments... Moments that can never be replicated, and that are meant to be lived for.  There is space in between these amazing moments that has to be filled with living, making it to the next moment.  We search for meaning in everything, when sometimes things are meaningless.  There are snippets of being really, authentically alive that come few and far between.  Those are what we live for.  Every minute of our lives can't be made of the best, otherwise there would be no way to recognize the truly beautiful stuff when it falls in our laps.  And there are some truly astonishing things to live for.  Everyone's definition of a good life is different, but mine is finding those moments and squeezing every last drop out of them.

What sparked this particular post?  Oddly enough, a Dave Matthews Band concert.  Things happen so fast in life sometimes.  One minute you'll be moving along in your everyday life, and then something jumps out and grabs you and shakes the crap out of you.  I saw DMB in Tampa last night, and as I stood there with probably 30,000 other lucky souls, a thought occurred to me that I hadn't really had before.  For me, in my life, standing there listening to Crash played live was a once in a lifetime experience.  I doubt that I'll ever go to another DMB concert, not because it wasn't great, because it really was.  It's just that sometimes life gets in the way of living.  I'll move on to other things, the band may stop touring... Whatever the case may be.  Going to the concert was not at all planned.  Even though I'd always wanted to see their show, I'd never really given much thought to buying tickets myself and going.  When a friend offered a free ticket the day before, I looked at it as an opportunity that could not be passed up.  Now I can add that experience to an ever expanding portfolio of times to look back on and be so grateful for.

The moments you step away from yourself and realize, holy shit, I'm really alive, that's what I'm living for.  It doesn't always have to be something as dramatic as a phenomenal concert with thousands of other people.  I've found that feeling in first kisses, belly laughs, good meals, a sweet nap, sweating my ass off, running from South Carolinians chasing my best friend and I through the mean streets of Satellite Beach, having a glass of wine over good conversation, sitting in traffic, landing a plane by my own hand and so many others.  Feeling those emotions make life worth living.  It makes all the mundane shit we go through everyday seem trivial. 

So yes, I think it's possible to be an oxymoron.  I'm okay with being a dichotomy.  Makes me more interesting, right? 

*If you don't know where today's blog title came from, I feel sorry for you.

Well Played

Last night I went out.  I don't do that very often, and for good reason.  My old lady body just isn't used to being up all that late anymore.  I didn't get home until 3:00 a.m. and had to be up by 8:00.  It's 7:00 right now and I've been awake for over an hour.  Maybe I need to condition myself better for this kind of activity?  I had a really, really great time... I drank too much and laughed too loud.  It was definitely a successful evening.  Right now I feel fine, but I can only guess how I'm going to feel later today.  I'm thinking that roadkill probably would be a good way to describe how I'll be feeling around, say, 5:00 p.m.  I won't be hung over, but I will feel like I was run over by a bulldozer.

It was totally worth it.

Incidentally, if anyone has any tips for overcoming my impending doom, please comment...

In Repair

A few questions bouncing around in my head lately:

What the hell am I doing?
Who do I want to be when I grow up?
Seriously, what the hell am I doing? (This one bears repeating, because I've found myself in quite a quandary as of late.)

The following is my inept attempt to answer those questions for myself and also for you, dear reader.  I'm sure you must care since you've not clicked the X in the top right yet.  Stick with me, this might get interesting.  Stranger things have happened...

What the hell am I doing?  Hmmm...  It seems that in the past month or so, I've done quite a bit of reevaluation on a lot of different levels.  My life is in a state of flux; quietly passing from one chapter on to the next.  I spent some time sleeping all day, wallowing in my misery on the perceived failures that have plagued my little life lately.  I've spent time with my family, which I sorely missed during my brief stint on the left coast.  I've reconnected with my big sister, who has been gone too long from my life for stupid reasons (i.e. we're both stubborn).  I'm trying to figure out what the fuck I want from this life, and what I want to give back in return.  I've given thought to how much of a sell out I will allow myself to become... Let's face it, I'm 28 and living at home again.  Nothing is off limits at this point.  I've come to realize that I need to drink more and look backward much, much less.  There's nothing back there behind me that I can get back, nor do I want it back at all.  I gave myself permission to mourn the loss of a life I thought I would have, that will never be.

Who do I want to be when I grow up?  Well, at this point I don't see myself growing up any time soon.  Possibly when (if) I finally have kids, then I'll grow up a little.  Until then, I just feel like I'm getting away with pretending to be an adult and someone is going to find me out and send my ass straight back to 10th grade.  While that's a sobering thought, I'm still giggling at poo jokes and getting myself into entirely too much trouble.  With that in mind, I did manage to pin down what I want to be.  I finally think I'm adult enough to go back to school and make something of myself.  I knew this day would eventually come, I just didn't know when.  I suppose it took life putting my back against the wall for me to see it.  When I worked at the law office, I loved it.  Seriously, who would've thought?  Anyway, it's too late in life for me to endure undergrad AND law school.  I'd be 40 by the time I got done having my nose stuck in a book.  Next best option (and much more manageable for my semi-short attention span): paralegal.  In 4 semesters I can get a real job...  In 8 I can graduate and finally be a contender for good jobs.  I'm devoting the rest of my week to researching universities and colleges to see what my best plan of attack would be.  I'm not getting any younger... The sooner I can get my show on the road, the better.

Seriously, what the hell am I doing?  Dear reader, the truth is I have no idea what the hell I'm doing.  Let's just get that out in the open right now.  I find myself in a situation that I never expected to be in, because I'm me and I always get what I want (in some shape or form).  I want someone I can't have.  I've wanted the seemingly unattainable in the past...  A boy in another time zone... Someone who wasn't interested in me... Those instances were excruciatingly sticky.  Obviously I survived, stronger and more clear-headed from each of them (and many others).  What sets this person apart from those others is that I literally cannot have him.  It isn't just that he's far away (he is) or that he isn't interested back (he is), it's that he's spoken for.  So what the hell am I doing?  I ask myself this at least once daily.  The answer isn't quite clear.  I've chalked some of it up to the 'fuck it you only live once' mentality.  That's been my defense in the past for some of my transgressions, and it seems to hold up (at least for my sanity).  I find that I'm asking myself idiotic questions for which there are no answers... "Why now?  Why him?  Why ME?"  The answer is that there really are no answers at all.  I guess that old adage, 'the heart wants what the heart wants' applies to this situation.  It's an amazingly good distraction from my woes (and his as well from what I gather).  As previously stated, I have a propensity for getting myself into sticky situations and this one is downright caramel-coated.    I keep telling myself that one of the variables in this equation will change... And it's entirely possible that something will, in fact, give.  Or not.  I have a friend who, until recently, always went for the guy she could never have.  I always thought that it was just the fact that the guy was out of reach that made him appealing.  She finally saw the light and found someone within reach.  I always felt bad for her... Now I AM her.  I know this much:  I'm not playing any kind of fucked up little game.  I don't know how to guard my heart, and I'm glad that I don't.  I'd rather live with longing than live in a sea of numbness.  There's more to this life than being alive.  Whatever happens... Well, happens.  In the meantime, I'm just enjoying the present and occasionally asking myself 'what the hell am I doing'.


'I'm in repair... I'm not together, but I'm getting there.'  -John Mayer (bastard has lyrics for every situation)

Alexithymia

There's more to living than being alive.

If you really absorb that sentence, it's pretty powerful.  Think about a typical weekday in your life.  Don't you cruise through it on autopilot?  There are most likely a few bright moments, a couple laughs, possibly (if you're lucky) things you're living for, and darkness.  Are you really living each moment, or are you just alive?  Admittedly, I'm the latter on most of my days.  I'm a weekend warrior, something I promised myself when I was a teenager that I'd never become.  It seemed when I was younger that working all week to live life on the weekends was cheating yourself out of life somehow.  I think my younger self had some great insight that got drowned out by the need to pay the bills as years came and went.

I have a tendency to keep my feelings bottled up inside, with an inevitable explosion happening every once in a while like the occasional dropped soda bottle.  Shouldn't I be more vocal?  Shouldn't we all?  Shouldn't life be more than stops and starts?  Mundane Monday to Friday with jam-packed weekends that leave us more drained than refreshed?  I think as adults, we find it hard to voice our feelings... Or to really feel things.  We block things out in order to get through the day.  That's not the kind of person I want to be.  I want to really feel things, to really express my emotions.  I want to live for more than just 48 hours per week and have a full, vibrant life.

Feeling emotions fully means taking the bad with the joyous, but there's nothing wrong with that.  One tempers the other.  I just have to find the strength to really live each moment, and not just get through life being alive.  Now the question is:  How?