Wednesday, May 5, 2010

In Repair

A few questions bouncing around in my head lately:

What the hell am I doing?
Who do I want to be when I grow up?
Seriously, what the hell am I doing? (This one bears repeating, because I've found myself in quite a quandary as of late.)

The following is my inept attempt to answer those questions for myself and also for you, dear reader.  I'm sure you must care since you've not clicked the X in the top right yet.  Stick with me, this might get interesting.  Stranger things have happened...

What the hell am I doing?  Hmmm...  It seems that in the past month or so, I've done quite a bit of reevaluation on a lot of different levels.  My life is in a state of flux; quietly passing from one chapter on to the next.  I spent some time sleeping all day, wallowing in my misery on the perceived failures that have plagued my little life lately.  I've spent time with my family, which I sorely missed during my brief stint on the left coast.  I've reconnected with my big sister, who has been gone too long from my life for stupid reasons (i.e. we're both stubborn).  I'm trying to figure out what the fuck I want from this life, and what I want to give back in return.  I've given thought to how much of a sell out I will allow myself to become... Let's face it, I'm 28 and living at home again.  Nothing is off limits at this point.  I've come to realize that I need to drink more and look backward much, much less.  There's nothing back there behind me that I can get back, nor do I want it back at all.  I gave myself permission to mourn the loss of a life I thought I would have, that will never be.

Who do I want to be when I grow up?  Well, at this point I don't see myself growing up any time soon.  Possibly when (if) I finally have kids, then I'll grow up a little.  Until then, I just feel like I'm getting away with pretending to be an adult and someone is going to find me out and send my ass straight back to 10th grade.  While that's a sobering thought, I'm still giggling at poo jokes and getting myself into entirely too much trouble.  With that in mind, I did manage to pin down what I want to be.  I finally think I'm adult enough to go back to school and make something of myself.  I knew this day would eventually come, I just didn't know when.  I suppose it took life putting my back against the wall for me to see it.  When I worked at the law office, I loved it.  Seriously, who would've thought?  Anyway, it's too late in life for me to endure undergrad AND law school.  I'd be 40 by the time I got done having my nose stuck in a book.  Next best option (and much more manageable for my semi-short attention span): paralegal.  In 4 semesters I can get a real job...  In 8 I can graduate and finally be a contender for good jobs.  I'm devoting the rest of my week to researching universities and colleges to see what my best plan of attack would be.  I'm not getting any younger... The sooner I can get my show on the road, the better.

Seriously, what the hell am I doing?  Dear reader, the truth is I have no idea what the hell I'm doing.  Let's just get that out in the open right now.  I find myself in a situation that I never expected to be in, because I'm me and I always get what I want (in some shape or form).  I want someone I can't have.  I've wanted the seemingly unattainable in the past...  A boy in another time zone... Someone who wasn't interested in me... Those instances were excruciatingly sticky.  Obviously I survived, stronger and more clear-headed from each of them (and many others).  What sets this person apart from those others is that I literally cannot have him.  It isn't just that he's far away (he is) or that he isn't interested back (he is), it's that he's spoken for.  So what the hell am I doing?  I ask myself this at least once daily.  The answer isn't quite clear.  I've chalked some of it up to the 'fuck it you only live once' mentality.  That's been my defense in the past for some of my transgressions, and it seems to hold up (at least for my sanity).  I find that I'm asking myself idiotic questions for which there are no answers... "Why now?  Why him?  Why ME?"  The answer is that there really are no answers at all.  I guess that old adage, 'the heart wants what the heart wants' applies to this situation.  It's an amazingly good distraction from my woes (and his as well from what I gather).  As previously stated, I have a propensity for getting myself into sticky situations and this one is downright caramel-coated.    I keep telling myself that one of the variables in this equation will change... And it's entirely possible that something will, in fact, give.  Or not.  I have a friend who, until recently, always went for the guy she could never have.  I always thought that it was just the fact that the guy was out of reach that made him appealing.  She finally saw the light and found someone within reach.  I always felt bad for her... Now I AM her.  I know this much:  I'm not playing any kind of fucked up little game.  I don't know how to guard my heart, and I'm glad that I don't.  I'd rather live with longing than live in a sea of numbness.  There's more to this life than being alive.  Whatever happens... Well, happens.  In the meantime, I'm just enjoying the present and occasionally asking myself 'what the hell am I doing'.

'I'm in repair... I'm not together, but I'm getting there.'  -John Mayer (bastard has lyrics for every situation)

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