Thursday, May 6, 2010

Before the Worst

Complacency.  That's what killed us.  I realized it today.  There wasn't a turning point; something I could put my finger on.  There was never a moment that I can look back on and say, ''okay, this is the day we broke.''  I got complacent... So did he.  There just wasn't that spark.  By the time we realized it, it was too late to take it back.

I've never been characterized as complacent.  I distinctly remember my very best friend being asked to describe me in one word, and she said adamantly, 'passionate'.  So how did someone so passionate (a Virgo trait if there ever was one) lose the spark?  Was it ever really there to begin with?  Honestly, I kind of wonder.  Don't get me wrong, I regret nothing.  But really, was the passion and heat ever there?  Before the worst, there was... Comfortable.

I'll admit, there is nothing at all wrong with comfortable.  When comfortable is all you have, that's when the problems arise.  So why was I okay with comfortable?  I suppose because it is what it is... I needed comfort.  It worked, except that all we really were was good friends.  Now that I'm getting a tiny little taste of passionate again, I realize what was missing all along.  I don't place blame on one party or another.  It takes two to make a relationship work, and by the same token it takes two to sink it as well.

I look back with fondness, affection, kind memories...  But I don't look back and blush or feel giddy.  It's a shame, really.  That giddy feeling, the spark, the passion, the blushing... It's all so important.  Yeah it wears off after a while, but there has to be a way to keep it alive.  How can you keep something going that never really got started to begin with?  I want nothing less than passion, lovestruck, silly, deep, sparkling and lasting...  I don't think that I'm being too picky.

I'll live in my little fantasy for now, but all I have to do is keep my standards impossibly high and wait.  It'll come to me eventually.  The only problem with 'eventually' is that I'm so damn impatient.

Thanks to The Script for the blog title tonight (Before the Worst).  Download it!

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