An Open Letter

To the fool who stole my doormat and tiki man:

I want to make a formal apology to you. Last week, after I found my front stoop naked, I retaliated by calling you a 'fuckbucket' on my Facebook status. For that I am deeply sorry. You, sir (or madam), are not a fuckbucket. Calling you such a name was a knee-jerk reaction to the shock of having my 4 year old, well-worn Target doormat and tiki man stolen in the dark of night. It was silly of me to jump to such conclusions without having had time to properly think over the matter at hand. Enough time has passed now (without the return of Tiko the Tiki or my ratty old doormat) for me to properly assess the situation.

Let me start by saying that the word 'fuckbucket' is a word that I probably didn't make up. I have, however, started using it quite a bit. I like to think of it as a signature word of mine. I bestow it upon people. It's a little gifty. And you, doormat thief, I'm sure can understand, that you certainly don't deserve to be crowned with such an honor. As you sit in your dirty, garbage-filled, Section 8 apartment, undoubtedly toking up on some cut rate weed you got from the Haitian across the alley, remember that you could've used the money you wasted on the dime bag filled with lawn clippings you're currently smoking to buy your own fucking doormat. You're an asshat.

I understand now why PQ's father was weary of buying her a weapon so that she could carry concealed until she was older. The rage I feel over something as trivial as Tiko the Tiki and a Target doormat are enough to have certainly reduced the number of digits you possess, had I caught you stealing my belongings. You would probably not be able to call yourself a primate anymore as I'd do away with your opposable thumbs. A little harder to snatch someone else's stuff without thumbs, isn't it?

Hopefully you'll take good care of Tiko the Tiki Man. He was a good companion and door guard of mine for many years. He got all dressed up during the holidays to greet guests. He even wore some sick green hater blockers one year. Basically, I just want you to know that I'm sorry I used such a good name against such a low life scumbag like yourself. You don't deserve it. I'm better than that.

Sincerely,
Nearly Noelle, Again

Tiko wearing his hater blockers.
RIP Tiko <3