Peek-A-Boo!

Loyal blog followers, how I've missed you!  It's been a few months and I'm sure a lot has been going on with you.  It sure has for me!  If you've been reading my little corner of the interwebs for any length of time (or you happen to know me in person), then you know things, they have been a-changin'.

I lost my job at a law firm I thought was great.  Turns out, everything happens for a reason.  I now have a job at a nationwide law firm with 1000 times better benefits (including free parking in downtown, a block from the Amway Center, 24/7/365) and MUCH nicer coworkers.  Suck on that, old law firm.

My fiance and I have been scouting for a place to live.  Nothing set in stone yet, but we've got an application in at a place I'm in love with... So cross your fingers and toes for us!  Fiance also just started a new job that's extremely exciting and has a very promising future. Our days of both being unemployed are OVER!  Can you hear the choir singing Glory Glory?  I certainly can.  Oh, speaking of choirs and church and such, in November I had my first rite on my way to baptism on Easter Vigil this year.  It was joyous, exciting, scary (I was in front of the entire congregation!) and fun all at the same time.  Fiance's mom took pictures, but her camera skills are a little weak, so the pictures didn't come out great, otherwise I'd post a couple.  My next rite, the rite of election, is next month at the biggest Catholic church in the Orlando diocese: Mary, Queen of the Universe.  It's going to be a big, big deal.  Lots of celebration to follow.

We finally set a wedding date!  While I'm not at liberty to tell you the exact date at this point, it will be in the fourth quarter of this year.  More blog posts to come on wedding planning and general hysteria.

I changed my Twitter name to @J_Rad2012, so if you're a follower, tuck that under your hat.

I had a very strange encounter right before Christmas with an ex from ages ago.  That definitely deserves its own post, so consider this a teaser. 

Anyway, I'm on my lunch break at this very moment.  I can't get into anything super long-winded since I only have a few minutes left.  I just wanted to check in and let you know that I'm back, baby!  One of my resolutions this year was to keep up with my blog, so you can expect to see more in the near future. Until then... :)

Back In The Saddle

I'd say that over a month of not posting a new entry to my blog is a little excessive.  Things in the Noelle world have been a little topsy-turvy to say the least.  I have a lot to say, but I think for now a list of updates is all I can muster.  I have to ease myself back into this.  It's like exercising, I think.  You can't just go balls to the wall your first day out.  So here's the scoop, in case you were wondering what the hell happened to me.

• I'm living in Orlando now.  Longwood, actually.  Longwood is NOT Orlando, as I've been told, but for all intents and purposes, it's close enough.
• I've started sending out my resume and looking for a job again.  I still will be going to school, but I need cash flow and I'm going bonkers with nothing to do over the summer.  Liquidity AND purpose will make me a happy girl.
• After a lot of soul searching and reflection, I'm converting to Catholicism.  I may have mentioned this in a previous post, but I went to my local parish and signed up for the classes I have to take before I can be baptized, confirmed and receive my first communion on Easter Vigil (the Saturday before Easter Sunday) next year.  Classes start in September, and are every Sunday after Mass and every Monday night at 7:00.  Prince Charming is my sponsor, and I've asked his mother to be my Godmother.  I can say without reservation that the decision to become Catholic is not at all influenced by him or his family.  I've been searching for, groping for, wishing for something right for a long time.  After attending Mass a few times, I felt deep down in my bones that I've finally found what's right for me.
• If you know me, you'll know that for a very, very long time I've said that in order for me to run, someone would have to be chasing me.  Not to be a hypocrite, but I've changed my tune.  One of my friends has taken up running, and she blogs about it frequently.  She's inspired me to give it a try.  A real try, not just go out once and then give up.  If I can get into it, which I think I can, I'm going to start training for a triathlon.  I know that sounds incredibly crazy coming from me, but I need to get myself in shape before I hit the big 3-0 in a few months.  Obviously I won't be ready to throw down by then, but I'll at least have some tone and look good in pictures.  Vanity drives a girl to do things differently, ya know.
• My very favorite artist, Matt Nathanson, has a new album coming out on June 21 called Modern Love.  I own ALL his other stuff and it's awesome.  I'll be buying the new stuff on iTunes the day it comes out.  It might seem like a strange thing to be so excited about, but this album has been a long time in the making.  I follow him on Twitter, and I've been charting the progress of Modern Love for a while.  If you're into Indie rock, you should definitely check him out here.
• I've deleted my Facebook account.  If you're dying to find out what I'm up to, you'll have to come here or follow me on Twitter.  I'm pretty obsessed with Twitter and also with FourSquare.  Thank you iPhone, for turning me into a freak.  Okay, I was already a freak...
• The Casey Anthony trial started today.  If you aren't familiar with it, just do a little Googling.  I'm obsessed with it.  I'd LOVE to be a paralegal working on that case.  Prosecution or defense, I wouldn't care.  It's super juicy.

So that's the latest in my world.  I hope you haven't all tuned out completely.  All seven or eight of you, that is!  If you're the praying sort, please say a little one for me on my job search.  If not, could you think positive thoughts for me? 

There's A Fire Starting In My Heart

This entry is going to be a bit of a mish-mash, so hold on tight.  I figure bullet points is the easiest way to go about this, since it's early in the morning and I'm not inclined at this point to put together fully coherent thoughts.

• I deleted my Facebook account.  It's just become too Big Brother-ish.  I don't like everyone and their uncle knowing all my business.  I had too many 'friends' who I would probably never speak to in real life.  Why do these people need to know about my daily life?  They don't.  Not to mention, Facebook is too much like high school.  If you've read any of my blogs or know anything about me, you'll know that high school and I didn't part on amicable terms.  Getting out of there was one of the greatest days of my life.  Why should I relive it electronically?
• That being said, I do still have Twitter and Foursquare accounts.  Neither have my picture or full name attached to them.  If you'd like to follow me on either application, you can find me @JStoutie.
• I'm slowly repairing a broken friendship (A., this isn't about you.  We're fixed!) and I'm so happy to be making baby steps back to open communication.  I know better than to let communication lapse.  It's the enemy of any good relationship.
• I'm a hypocrite.  I freely admit it.  For years I wanted no part of religion.  I think that harkens back to the day when I was 10 years old and attending summer Bible school at a friend's Southern Baptist church and the preacher told me I was going to Hell because Jesus hadn't saved me.  After that, I figured this Jesus dude must be a real ball buster and I didn't need any part of that.  That was nearly 20 years ago, and I'm finally starting to open my heart.  I've been to Catholic mass a couple times now, and I've also been doing a lot of reading.  What really did it for me was reading a book called The Shack by William P. Young.  Honestly, if you're on the fence about God or you just want a reaffirmation of your faith, I strongly urge you to read this book.  I don't plan on turning this blog into anything preachy, so don't worry.  Faith is making an appearance in my life, so I'm sure it will make an occasional appearance here as well.  I'm still snarky, but my edges have been softened a little.
• Prince Charming and I put the brakes on our nuptials in a big way.  The stress of planning a wedding got to both of us.  Nothing has changed about our relationship except that we're taking the time to enjoy each other instead of crazily running around trying to put together a huge shindig.  That's not what it should be about, and we both realize that after coming to our senses.  
• I'm only going to say this, and then leave the subject alone:  "Googling" someone isn't a good idea.  You only get half truths and misinformation.  Ask questions, don't try to do an amateur background check.
• I'm taking two classes for the summer semester that I'm pretty excited about.  Both are online which isn't my favorite, but my favorite professor and mentor, Dr. J., doesn't teach classes during the summer.  Online classes also give me the freedom to travel a bit and not have to be in Melbourne on any particular day.  I'm taking Business Organizations and Law Office Procedures.  They may sound boring to you, but they are both classes that are essential to my field and I'm looking forward to learning what I need and getting them out of the way.  Fall semester will be here before I can even blink.  I should probably start thinking about my Fall schedule, come to think of it.  
• If you like getting manicures or pedicures, you need to seek out a salon that uses Shellac nail polish.  The stuff is incredible.  My manicure lasts for almost 2 weeks with no chipping.  Also, if you're a runner and your polish rubs off your toes (PlumQueen, I'm talking to you), you need to try Shellac.  It's more expensive, but it's SO worth it.  That's an endorsement coming from the Queen of Unemployment.  If you're in Central FL, the best place to go is Sorelli Hair Studio.  I get all my salon services done there (hair, facials, waxing, nails, massage) and everyone there is awesome.  

Well, I think that's it for this time.  As usual, everything is up and down and up again.  I wouldn't have it any other way!

*Today's post title is courtesy of "Rolling In The Deep" by Adele.  Get that album, she's incredible.

Amazing Again

Just one short year ago, my life felt like it was falling down around me.  I had no job, no car, barely a place to live... I was on the verge of a very strange breakup with someone I thought I cared a great deal for.  Last March I moved back in with Mom, filed a FAFSA and got myself enrolled in school again.  Slowly but surely I've been digging myself out of the awful pit I found myself in.  It's been an up and down sort of path to get to today.  I've had setbacks and triumphs.  I've been enormously humbled by the events of the last 14 months.

I was beginning to give up on the whole dating thing.  I had some fun dating around with a few guys, but nothing serious.  I just figured that something would come along eventually.  Honestly, I was happier alone than dating a bunch of randoms.  It just got too tiresome.  I've said this in past posts, but juggling a bunch of prospective dates is just not my style.  A couple weeks ago I made a deal with myself.  I decided to pay for one month on Chemistry.com (possibly the only legit dating site I hadn't yet given a go).  If, at the end of that month, I wasn't at least exchanging emails with someone, I'd delete my profile and go back to being dateless for at least a few more months.

Let's just say that $40 membership was a very, very good investment.  I met someone that I can honestly say without any hesitation that I'm totally crazy about.  He's smart and witty.  He has a good job and is completely self-sufficient.  He appreciates and respects the crapola I've been through in the last couple years and understands that I'm working extremely hard to make a better life for myself.  He has a pug and loves to cook just as much, if not more, than I do.  He's astoundingly generous and humble.  There are qualities he has that I honestly never thought I'd actually find in a man.  We are already so comfortable around each other that I have a hard time myself believing that we met in person for the first time less than a week ago.

I know it sounds like I'm jumping the gun on all this.  I don't think I am. 

There's this cyclical quality to life that I'm finally starting to wrap my head around.  Shit happens that gets you completely down and out, but then slowly things start to cycle back around.  Inch by inch, day by day, your world starts to turn itself right-side up again.  Things are starting to look amazing again.

Today's blog title is from "Amazing Again" by Matt Nathanson (the best indie artist EVER)

I Tried To Laugh It Off But I Made Things Worse

I've always said that I have no regrets.  Everything that I've been through, good, bad or indifferent has made me the person I am today.  While I'm still a work in progress, I feel pretty all right with who I am.  So why would I regret the choices that have made me, me?  At least, that's my working theory.  I have my moments of doubt for sure.  Recently I heard two little words that made me realize that I do wish that there are some things I'd done differently.

My wife.

Those are the words that absolutely cut me to the bone.  Things happen the way they're meant to.  I truly believe that.  I just know that had I known then what I know now, I'd choose differently than I did.  The aftermath of those words reverberating in my mind is that I began to look back at my life and think about the things I'd do differently had I known better at the time.  Nothing can be changed now and I wouldn't want to have a re-do even if I could.  I just look back with melancholy at a few situations I've been through.  Yes, apparently hindsight is 20/20 and all the other cliches in that same vein.

I know that I'd have chosen my words more carefully.  I'd think longer and more meaningfully about making decisions that not only affected me, but also people I cared deeply about.  I'd answer the phone more and rely on voice mail and caller ID less.  I'd have given myself the benefit of the doubt much more often.  I would have valued friendship more and fleeting romance less.  Apologies would have been more abundant.

Life is like that I guess.  You fall in love, you make friends... You think you know more than you do.  Friendships fade if not tended to.  You second guess that love you fell in.  You stumble and fall.  You make bad decisions.  Not everything winds up the way you planned it.  You get lost on your way to a dream.  Maybe you find a better one.  Maybe you're still figuring it all out.  And maybe, just maybe, that melancholy you feel about the things you should've done differently becomes part of the fabric of who you are.  Maybe it makes you stronger and wiser.

Today's title is from "Second Chance" by Faber Drive.

On Hiatus... Sorta.

Ever since I started dating (at the tender age of 14), I've been a serial monogamist.  I've pretty steadily had a boyfriend since that first loser I dated all those years ago.  I've gone periods without, but those periods have been without any sort of romantic prospects, not just without a boyfriend.  I always liked being in a relationship, but I never once thought that it was detrimental to my sense of self to have a significant other.

Consider my mind changed on that subject.  I've been on a boyfriend sabbatical for a while now, and I have to say that I'm loving it.  Never had I had more time to devote to myself.  Call me selfish, but I really like that.  I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I want in a relationship and even more time thinking about what I don't want.  I think my mind and heart are both in a good place.  It's nice to focus on yourself.  Physically, I'm better than I've been in ages.  Last time I was at the doctor, I'd lost another 10 pounds.  While I still have a long way to go, it certainly feels good.

And that's not to say that I'm remaining completely celibate boy-wise.  I've been dating here and there.  I kind of dig that as well.  I've never really been the type to go out on dates and meet a lot of different people.  This is new and somewhat uncharted territory for me.  I like having the company of someone I like and enjoy being with, but not having to check in and give minute updates on my everyday life.  I like that I can keep some mystery.  I'm feeling more fulfilled than I have in years... In more ways than one. 

Finding someone to eventually settle down with is still something that is very important to me.  I'll get to that place eventually.  I've learned that it's not a race and I don't need to settle.  Ever.  I deserve the best and nothing less.  In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy what comes my way.  It's working out well so far.

Gravity

On Saturday, I turned 29.  If you do the math, you'll realize that I met my 20's watching the Twin Towers fall.  It seems like it was just yesterday.  Nine years.  This is my last year in my 20's, and I'm not so sure how to take it.  I've said jokingly that this is the oldest I'll ever get.  I'm just going to continue turning 29 from now on for each birthday.  I'm not scared of getting older anymore.  There was a time (probably when I turned 20) that the thought of 30 sent chills down my spine.  I've come to realize that even though life gets exponentially more complicated as the years pass, the potential for joy also grows.  It gets compressed into smaller moments, but those moments feel so much sweeter when they come along.

There's a couple lines in my favorite John Mayer song that I'm beginning to believe more and more:

Oh twice as much ain't twice as good
And can't sustain like one half could

I crossed my fingers and wished upon wishes that when I saw John Mayer live on Friday night in Tampa, 'Gravity' would be on the set list.  The birthday fairies smiled upon me and I got my wish as the second to last song before the encore.  I don't care what anyone thinks, I'm saying it now.  John Mayer was better in concert than Dave Matthews Band.  If you read my post about that concert, you know that I had a fantastic time.  This show was even better. 

I've lived a lot of life in the past 29 years.  I've had so many experiences, both amazing and awful.  It's been a crazy roller coaster and I'd expect nothing less in the years to come.  I know I'm in a good place personally right now.  Financially, I'm a disaster.  Physically, I'm a work in progress.  Spiritually, I'm not where I want to be.  Emotionally, I'm not sure I've ever been better.  I still struggle with the angel and devil on my shoulders when it comes to relationships.  I wonder if having a hardened heart is the way to go, never getting too close.  Then again, my instincts tell me that the only way to approach life is with a heart wide open.  I may always grapple with that quandary.  Maybe the older you get, the easier it is to find a happy medium.  Who knows for sure? 

If there's a lesson to be learned from my 20's, I think I learned it on September 11, 2001 in my first day as a twenty-something.  Never take it for granted, because before you know it, it can be gone. 

Happy Accidents

My posts have gotten a little touchy-feely lately, and for that I apologize.  I'm warning you up front, dear reader, that this is another one of those posts.  So I'm in a happy place.  Sue me.  I promise to resume my usual derision-filled rants soon enough.  For now, let me have my moment.

I like the term "happy accident".  Sometimes things have a way of happening that turn out to be better than you could have imagined.  I love that.  With life being so stressful and filled with disappointments, a happy accident once in a while definitely helps me keep the faith.  What exactly do I mean?  Well, basically anything unexpected that seems to just fall out of the sky, especially when you're really looking in the other direction.  That's what an accident is anyway, isn't it?  Unplanned, unscripted... It doesn't have to be a car crash.  It can be an impromptu cup of coffee with someone that stops your heart for a second or two.  Doesn't that sound lovely?

Yes, it certainly does.  Imagine my surprise when that's what fell into my lap yesterday afternoon.  I had been chatting with someone for a while and we decided to meet for Starbucks and conversation.  I had absolutely zero expectations, other than getting my caramel macchiato fix.  So when I found myself leaning closer, speaking more softly, laughing a little more... I was definitely surprised, and most pleasantly.  Yesterday gave way to a stressful morning today (I shall leave those details out, as they have nothing to do with this little story) and then there I was again with this new person.

After spending the better part of the afternoon together (driving to the Port to look at the ships, walking on the beach, eating the world's best fried chicken), I was starting to feel a little dazed.  The rest of the world was starting to fall away and seem a little out of focus.  Before I knew it, the proverbial clock struck midnight.  Responsibilities beckoned.  Just like that, it was over and I was in my car driving home with my heart beating so erratically that I felt a little light-headed.  Honestly, dear reader, it's been years since my heart has felt more than even a tiny blip on its radar.  To say I was blind-sided would probably be a fairly accurate description of today's events.

So what now?  I haven't a clue.  I wish I could wrap this story up with a pretty little bow, but you and I both know that life rarely works that way.  He's on his way back to Memphis... His home.  And here I am, with an erratic heartbeat.  I'd love to be able to say that I could sustain myself on a few precious hours of whatever it was that was happening between us.  I wish that I could.  I can't.  It wasn't nearly enough.  Imagine a divine dessert, placed in front of you with a spoon and a welcome.  After one or two bites, that lovely plate is taken away, and the sweetness lingers... But really, you'd just love a couple more spoonfuls.  Or the whole plate.  Or the whole dessert, do you mind bringing the pan out from the kitchen?  That little bit you were lucky enough to taste couldn't be enough to satisfy.  That's how I feel. 

Happy.  Very happy.  Wanting more.  We shall see...

The Space Between

If you were to hear the term "romantic realist," what would you think?  Would you consider it an oxymoron?  The two adjectives seem diametrically opposed... A romantic is generally someone who sees the world through rose-colored glasses, who thinks the best of everyone and looks for good in every situation.  A realist is someone who looks analytically at every situation and never sugar-coats anything.  So how in the world can one and the other live together in the same person?  Honestly, I'm not sure.  I know that I think of myself as a romantic realist.  I want the best from every situation, yet am fully aware that the best doesn't come easily.  I have no illusions that every person is good and just, but I hope to find a glimmer of good in everyone.

I look at life as a series of moments... Moments that can never be replicated, and that are meant to be lived for.  There is space in between these amazing moments that has to be filled with living, making it to the next moment.  We search for meaning in everything, when sometimes things are meaningless.  There are snippets of being really, authentically alive that come few and far between.  Those are what we live for.  Every minute of our lives can't be made of the best, otherwise there would be no way to recognize the truly beautiful stuff when it falls in our laps.  And there are some truly astonishing things to live for.  Everyone's definition of a good life is different, but mine is finding those moments and squeezing every last drop out of them.

What sparked this particular post?  Oddly enough, a Dave Matthews Band concert.  Things happen so fast in life sometimes.  One minute you'll be moving along in your everyday life, and then something jumps out and grabs you and shakes the crap out of you.  I saw DMB in Tampa last night, and as I stood there with probably 30,000 other lucky souls, a thought occurred to me that I hadn't really had before.  For me, in my life, standing there listening to Crash played live was a once in a lifetime experience.  I doubt that I'll ever go to another DMB concert, not because it wasn't great, because it really was.  It's just that sometimes life gets in the way of living.  I'll move on to other things, the band may stop touring... Whatever the case may be.  Going to the concert was not at all planned.  Even though I'd always wanted to see their show, I'd never really given much thought to buying tickets myself and going.  When a friend offered a free ticket the day before, I looked at it as an opportunity that could not be passed up.  Now I can add that experience to an ever expanding portfolio of times to look back on and be so grateful for.

The moments you step away from yourself and realize, holy shit, I'm really alive, that's what I'm living for.  It doesn't always have to be something as dramatic as a phenomenal concert with thousands of other people.  I've found that feeling in first kisses, belly laughs, good meals, a sweet nap, sweating my ass off, running from South Carolinians chasing my best friend and I through the mean streets of Satellite Beach, having a glass of wine over good conversation, sitting in traffic, landing a plane by my own hand and so many others.  Feeling those emotions make life worth living.  It makes all the mundane shit we go through everyday seem trivial. 

So yes, I think it's possible to be an oxymoron.  I'm okay with being a dichotomy.  Makes me more interesting, right? 

*If you don't know where today's blog title came from, I feel sorry for you.

Jar of Hearts

Call me old fashioned, but I just don't get the whole 'Sex and the City' mentality.  You know the type... They collect phone numbers from guys and juggle them like toys.  Their cell phones are always ringing and they never have a night alone.  I'm sure that you've known someone like that.  Men do the same thing, and although I don't think it's right, it is more accepted.  I don't have much respect for people engage in this kind of behavior, whether they're men or women.  I don't understand it and I think it's quite selfish. 

After going on a couple dates recently, I've come to realize that I'm just not wired like other women.  I'm sure there are some of us out there who think the way I do, but it seems like the vast majority of people treat this dating thing like it's a game.  That's all fine and dandy when you're 20, but by the time you're reaching for 30, your focus should have shifted at least a little.

I don't want my phone blowing up with 10 different guys calling and texting me.  Frankly, it's just too exhausting.  I don't want to have to keep with with it.  I don't want anyone else to do it to me.  I don't want to have to compete with a bunch of hussies for some lame guy's attention.  I'd rather be single.  I'm not out to collect suitors.  In fact, I'm not really interested in dating that much at all.  When someone worthwhile comes along, great.  Booty calls definitely aren't in my vocabulary anymore.  That chapter in my book is closed.

I know this blog makes me sound a bit like a prude.  As I get older and wiser, I suppose I am getting more conservative.  I still have a wild side, I just keep it wrapped up waiting for the right person instead of just letting it rip for whoever happens along.  There's nothing I'd like better than one special person that I can have my wild and crazy moments with.  I just think that sort of thing is earned over time.  A guy has to work for it now, not just show up.  It's not that I don't like him enough, it's that I like myself too much.  Too much for me to show all my cards on the first date, too much to juggle around a bunch of sorta okay guys instead of focusing on one really great one.  Until he comes along, I'm not going to be collecting a jar of hearts.

*Thanks to Christina Perri for today's blog title (from the song Jar of Hearts).
 

Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself

While reading secrets at one of my very favorite websites, PostSecret, I came across a postcard that said everything I want to say.

When you realize that's what's happening, I'll be there.

A Love Affair

In my opinion, there are two kinds of people in this world: Those who eat to live and those who live to eat. Since the beginning of me, I've been amongst the latter group. I honestly don't understand those who don't enjoy food. People who think of food as merely fuel and nothing more just baffle me. Food is a beautiful thing, and eating is one of the few things on earth that everyone can derive joy from over a shared experience.

Having said that, I have to break up with food.  I have to start thinking of food as nutrition, sustenance and necessity other than what I've always thought of it as: Enjoyment.  This makes me sad.  However, if I ever want to have boobs smaller than Jenna Jameson, I'm going to have to reevaluate my stance on this particular issue.

I'm starting operation: breakup today.  We'll see how it goes.  I wish I could say I'm looking forward to it, but I'm really not.