There's A Fire Starting In My Heart

This entry is going to be a bit of a mish-mash, so hold on tight.  I figure bullet points is the easiest way to go about this, since it's early in the morning and I'm not inclined at this point to put together fully coherent thoughts.

• I deleted my Facebook account.  It's just become too Big Brother-ish.  I don't like everyone and their uncle knowing all my business.  I had too many 'friends' who I would probably never speak to in real life.  Why do these people need to know about my daily life?  They don't.  Not to mention, Facebook is too much like high school.  If you've read any of my blogs or know anything about me, you'll know that high school and I didn't part on amicable terms.  Getting out of there was one of the greatest days of my life.  Why should I relive it electronically?
• That being said, I do still have Twitter and Foursquare accounts.  Neither have my picture or full name attached to them.  If you'd like to follow me on either application, you can find me @JStoutie.
• I'm slowly repairing a broken friendship (A., this isn't about you.  We're fixed!) and I'm so happy to be making baby steps back to open communication.  I know better than to let communication lapse.  It's the enemy of any good relationship.
• I'm a hypocrite.  I freely admit it.  For years I wanted no part of religion.  I think that harkens back to the day when I was 10 years old and attending summer Bible school at a friend's Southern Baptist church and the preacher told me I was going to Hell because Jesus hadn't saved me.  After that, I figured this Jesus dude must be a real ball buster and I didn't need any part of that.  That was nearly 20 years ago, and I'm finally starting to open my heart.  I've been to Catholic mass a couple times now, and I've also been doing a lot of reading.  What really did it for me was reading a book called The Shack by William P. Young.  Honestly, if you're on the fence about God or you just want a reaffirmation of your faith, I strongly urge you to read this book.  I don't plan on turning this blog into anything preachy, so don't worry.  Faith is making an appearance in my life, so I'm sure it will make an occasional appearance here as well.  I'm still snarky, but my edges have been softened a little.
• Prince Charming and I put the brakes on our nuptials in a big way.  The stress of planning a wedding got to both of us.  Nothing has changed about our relationship except that we're taking the time to enjoy each other instead of crazily running around trying to put together a huge shindig.  That's not what it should be about, and we both realize that after coming to our senses.  
• I'm only going to say this, and then leave the subject alone:  "Googling" someone isn't a good idea.  You only get half truths and misinformation.  Ask questions, don't try to do an amateur background check.
• I'm taking two classes for the summer semester that I'm pretty excited about.  Both are online which isn't my favorite, but my favorite professor and mentor, Dr. J., doesn't teach classes during the summer.  Online classes also give me the freedom to travel a bit and not have to be in Melbourne on any particular day.  I'm taking Business Organizations and Law Office Procedures.  They may sound boring to you, but they are both classes that are essential to my field and I'm looking forward to learning what I need and getting them out of the way.  Fall semester will be here before I can even blink.  I should probably start thinking about my Fall schedule, come to think of it.  
• If you like getting manicures or pedicures, you need to seek out a salon that uses Shellac nail polish.  The stuff is incredible.  My manicure lasts for almost 2 weeks with no chipping.  Also, if you're a runner and your polish rubs off your toes (PlumQueen, I'm talking to you), you need to try Shellac.  It's more expensive, but it's SO worth it.  That's an endorsement coming from the Queen of Unemployment.  If you're in Central FL, the best place to go is Sorelli Hair Studio.  I get all my salon services done there (hair, facials, waxing, nails, massage) and everyone there is awesome.  

Well, I think that's it for this time.  As usual, everything is up and down and up again.  I wouldn't have it any other way!

*Today's post title is courtesy of "Rolling In The Deep" by Adele.  Get that album, she's incredible.

Amazing Again

Just one short year ago, my life felt like it was falling down around me.  I had no job, no car, barely a place to live... I was on the verge of a very strange breakup with someone I thought I cared a great deal for.  Last March I moved back in with Mom, filed a FAFSA and got myself enrolled in school again.  Slowly but surely I've been digging myself out of the awful pit I found myself in.  It's been an up and down sort of path to get to today.  I've had setbacks and triumphs.  I've been enormously humbled by the events of the last 14 months.

I was beginning to give up on the whole dating thing.  I had some fun dating around with a few guys, but nothing serious.  I just figured that something would come along eventually.  Honestly, I was happier alone than dating a bunch of randoms.  It just got too tiresome.  I've said this in past posts, but juggling a bunch of prospective dates is just not my style.  A couple weeks ago I made a deal with myself.  I decided to pay for one month on Chemistry.com (possibly the only legit dating site I hadn't yet given a go).  If, at the end of that month, I wasn't at least exchanging emails with someone, I'd delete my profile and go back to being dateless for at least a few more months.

Let's just say that $40 membership was a very, very good investment.  I met someone that I can honestly say without any hesitation that I'm totally crazy about.  He's smart and witty.  He has a good job and is completely self-sufficient.  He appreciates and respects the crapola I've been through in the last couple years and understands that I'm working extremely hard to make a better life for myself.  He has a pug and loves to cook just as much, if not more, than I do.  He's astoundingly generous and humble.  There are qualities he has that I honestly never thought I'd actually find in a man.  We are already so comfortable around each other that I have a hard time myself believing that we met in person for the first time less than a week ago.

I know it sounds like I'm jumping the gun on all this.  I don't think I am. 

There's this cyclical quality to life that I'm finally starting to wrap my head around.  Shit happens that gets you completely down and out, but then slowly things start to cycle back around.  Inch by inch, day by day, your world starts to turn itself right-side up again.  Things are starting to look amazing again.

Today's blog title is from "Amazing Again" by Matt Nathanson (the best indie artist EVER)

I Tried To Laugh It Off But I Made Things Worse

I've always said that I have no regrets.  Everything that I've been through, good, bad or indifferent has made me the person I am today.  While I'm still a work in progress, I feel pretty all right with who I am.  So why would I regret the choices that have made me, me?  At least, that's my working theory.  I have my moments of doubt for sure.  Recently I heard two little words that made me realize that I do wish that there are some things I'd done differently.

My wife.

Those are the words that absolutely cut me to the bone.  Things happen the way they're meant to.  I truly believe that.  I just know that had I known then what I know now, I'd choose differently than I did.  The aftermath of those words reverberating in my mind is that I began to look back at my life and think about the things I'd do differently had I known better at the time.  Nothing can be changed now and I wouldn't want to have a re-do even if I could.  I just look back with melancholy at a few situations I've been through.  Yes, apparently hindsight is 20/20 and all the other cliches in that same vein.

I know that I'd have chosen my words more carefully.  I'd think longer and more meaningfully about making decisions that not only affected me, but also people I cared deeply about.  I'd answer the phone more and rely on voice mail and caller ID less.  I'd have given myself the benefit of the doubt much more often.  I would have valued friendship more and fleeting romance less.  Apologies would have been more abundant.

Life is like that I guess.  You fall in love, you make friends... You think you know more than you do.  Friendships fade if not tended to.  You second guess that love you fell in.  You stumble and fall.  You make bad decisions.  Not everything winds up the way you planned it.  You get lost on your way to a dream.  Maybe you find a better one.  Maybe you're still figuring it all out.  And maybe, just maybe, that melancholy you feel about the things you should've done differently becomes part of the fabric of who you are.  Maybe it makes you stronger and wiser.

Today's title is from "Second Chance" by Faber Drive.

Listening For Voices, But It's The Choices That Make Us Who We Are

For a long time I thought that just 'going with the flow' was definitely the right way to live.  I definitely believe that it's advantageous to be flexible, but I don't think rolling with every punch gets you anywhere.  There's an old saying that I really like:  "Only dead fish go with the flow."  Dude... So true.

I've finally realized that letting the wind blow me around where ever it may isn't the way I want to live.  Sometimes I need to push back a little.  Or a lot.  A long time ago (a decade, to be exact) when I first moved away and enrolled at a university, I had absolutely zero desire or drive to be there.  I didn't know what I wanted in life (still don't) and just wanted to be free.  Maybe it was being 19 years old...  It could've been anything, but I know now that I'm not that girl anymore.  It took me a decade to figure it out.  A decade.  Damn, that sounds like an eternity.

What I'm trying to say and not really saying well is that I've made some bad choices, but I'm not letting that shit define me.  Watch me fight back and win.  I refuse to be 40 years old and busting my ass at some shitty paying retail job and hating my miserable existence.  I've finally realized that being lazy and too flexible is just dumb.  I'm going to fight hard to make a life for myself that I'm happy with and proud of, no matter what it takes.

So bring it on.  I can handle it.

Today's title is from "The Unwinding Cable Car" by Anberlin.

Resolve and Other Myths

I think that most people who know me personally know that I'm not a fan of the Christmas holiday.  I think it's way overrated and people spend much too much time dwelling on spending an excess of money trying to get the 'best' gifts for everyone they know.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those Jesus-Is-The-Reason-For-The-Season-Keep-CHRIST-In-Christmas types.  Far from it.  In fact, I cringe when I see that crap.  Everyone is entitled to their beliefs and if you're blessed to live in America, you have the freedom of speech.  That being said, shut up.  Really.  And if you have a birthday cake for Jesus on Christmas day, I'm likely to tell you that December 25th is not, in fact, the day of the Savior's birth.  But really, I don't want to argue.  Believe whatever floats your boat.  Here's how I sum it up (courtesy of Badass Geek):

 

And now on to other matters...  I've decided that after years of having a singular New Year's resolution (which was to never have any resolutions), I'm going to make a few this year.  Now is as good a time as any to turn over a new leaf.  It just so happens to coincide with the calendar changing from December to January.  I need to make some changes.  So here they are:

• Fast food no more than once per month,
• Exercise at least 5 days per week,
• Study hard and make A's in all my classes,
• Reconnect with friends who I've neglected my relationships with.

That's it.  Four is a nice, round number.  I think I'll be able to handle that.  We shall see.

Stand There And Watch Me Burn

There are a few universal truths that I keep forgetting.  I get all worked up, when in reality if I had just remembered these tenets, I'd have seen it coming from a mile away.  As much as I want to be romantic and see the world through those rose-colored glasses, it just sets me up for a letdown.  There's a quote from my very favorite movie, Say Anything, in which Lloyd, the main character, is explaining why his friend is in a better position emotionally than he is.  He says to her, "I guess when you start out depressed, everything is a pleasant surprise."  That's so true.  When you expect the worst from people, you're never let down.  Unfortunately this goes for people you think you know well, just as it goes for casual acquaintances and random strangers alike.

Honestly, I had to give myself a couple days of cooling off time before writing and publishing this post because I was so angry.  I don't get worked up too often anymore, and it takes much more to get under my skin.  Here's something I've definitely learned:  If you have to remind someone that you're a good friend, you aren't.  Just having to tell someone, "I'm an awesome friend," is completely ridiculous.  Either the person you're reminding isn't worth your time, or you've been a jerkwad.  Similarly, if you keep saying, "I'm really a good person," then you AREN'T.  Who are you trying to convince?  Yourself?  It certainly isn't convincing me.  It's really true that actions speak louder than words.  If you think I need some sort of summation or closing argument on your case in chief regarding your character, then things obviously aren't looking that great for you.

If only I could remember that I'm going to be disappointed in people the majority of the time, I'd be so much better off.  People say things they don't mean.  You're told what they think you want to hear.  Not so much to protect you, but to protect themselves.  They think of themselves before others more often than not.  They ignore the things that they don't want to have to deal with.  It's just human nature.  Hell, I do those things sometimes.  I try not to but last I checked I am, in fact, human.  It's always better to face things head on and to tell the truth.  It's not polite to always think of yourself before the people you say you care about.  I just really abhor being disappointed in people I love.

And hence the end of my shiny, happy blog posts.  ;-)

*Today's title is from "Love The Way You Lie" by Eminem feat. Rihanna

The End Where I Begin

As of July 1, I've been out of work for seven months.  It hasn't been easy on me.  I hate just sitting around and not having anything to do.  I gave up looking for a job a couple months ago, deciding to focus solely on going back to school.  While I was happy with that decision, I wasn't happy with the fact that I'd have to live on student loan money alone.  I'd be able to do it, but it wouldn't be easy or very much fun at all.

On Wednesday, I received a phone call from a staffing agency who found my resume posted on one of the career websites.  They had a client who needed someone with my experience and wanted to talk to me about the position.  I called back out of curiosity, but I really didn't think anything would come of it.  After speaking to the very nice woman at the staffing agency, she e-mailed over a couple quizzes for me to take online to make sure I would qualify.  I took them and waited to hear back.  Thursday morning, bright and early, I got a phone call from staffing lady... Hired.  No interviews, no application, no nonsense.  All I had to do was take a drug test and come to her office to fill out some paperwork.  So of course I did both of those before the end of the day on Thursday.  My start date is this coming Wednesday.  It's a long term contract position, and I'll be receiving a full benefits package (vacation, health, 401k) from the staffing agency.

It just goes to show that when you stop looking so hard for the answer, it will show itself.  I honestly believe that good things come to those who wait... And those who keep the faith that things will work out in the end.  I'm so unbelievably grateful that I can't even express it.  After these past few months of ups and downs, all I could think of to sum up the situation is a song by The Script, 'The End Where I Begin'.


Sometimes tears say all there is to say
Sometime your first scars wont ever fade away
Tried to break my heart
Well it's broke
Tried to hang me high
Well I'm choked
Wanted rain on me
Well I'm soaked
Soaked to the skin

It's the end where I begin
It's the end where I begin

Sometimes we don't learn from our mistakes
Sometimes we've no choice but to walk away, away
Tried to break my heart
Well it's broke
Tried to hang me high
Well I'm choked
Wanted rain on me
Well I'm soaked
Soaked to the skin

It's the end where I begin
It's the end where I begin

Now I'm alive
And my ghosts are gone
I've shed all the pain
I've been holding on
The cure for a heart
Is to move along, is to move along
So move along
[X3]
What don't kill a heart
Only makes it strong

Sometimes tears say all there is to say
Sometime your first scars dont ever fade, away
Tried to break my heart
Well it's broke
Tried to hang me high
Well I'm choked
Wanted rain on me
Well I'm soaked
Soaked to the skin

It's the end
End where I begin
It's the end
End where I begin

Sometimes we don't learn from our mistakes
Sometimes we've no choice but to walk away, away

I Need A Little More Luck Than A Little Bit

I can remember my friend Noah saying to me regarding his iPhone, "I can launch the fucking space shuttle with this thing."  At the time I didn't have an iPhone myself (just a cheap knock-off touch screen phone) and was wondering if it was worth the investment.  His response to me asking if he thought it was worth the money was enough to convince me that I needed to have one.  It was a long while before I actually purchased one.  In fact, I only purchased one about two months ago. 

I can honestly say that I don't doubt a space shuttle could be launched with an iPhone.  It's fucking amazing.  Totally worth the money I paid for it.  It holds all my music, photos, notes, etc... I had a massive amount of amazing apps for it that did sundry tasks.  Notice I said 'had'.  That's the thing... I have the world's worst luck.  If not for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.

Yesterday whilst at Applebee's having a Perfect Margarita, someone jacked my amazing iPhone right off the table I was sitting at.  One minute it was right in front of me, the next it was gone.  I looked everywhere, the waiter and hostess looked everywhere... I just have to let it go, man, 'cuz it's gone.  I left my mother's phone number with the manager (as my phone is gone) so if some kind soul turned it in, they could contact her so I could get it.  I'm supremely doubtful that will happen.  Whomever took it plans on keeping it, even though all it's good for now is playing music.  I immediately called AT&T and had the phone suspended.  What a clusterfuck.

Yes, part of me is happy that I'll be getting the new iPhone 4 when it comes out.  Well, actually I probably won't get it until the middle of July, as AT&T and Apple are already sold out, and it doesn't even come out until June 24th.  Another part of me is infinitely pissed that I spent the money for this phone that I've wanted for so long only to have it five-finger discounted right from under my nose.  Nothing is sacred, I suppose.

So now I'm back to my cheap knock-off touch screen phone and I LOATHE it.  It pisses me off every time I have to use it.  My iPhone was just so much easier to use.  It's like going from driving a Bentley to driving a Yugo.  The person who jacked my iPhone is definitely in the same category of fuckbucket as the person who stole my Tiki Man and doormat last year.  I hope your bad karma comes back to bite you in the ass, jerkface.  You're in the same group of asshats with ex boyfriends, people who've crashed into my car and Lindsay Lohan.

*Thanks to Faber Drive for today's blog title (Tongue Tied).

Alexithymia

There's more to living than being alive.

If you really absorb that sentence, it's pretty powerful.  Think about a typical weekday in your life.  Don't you cruise through it on autopilot?  There are most likely a few bright moments, a couple laughs, possibly (if you're lucky) things you're living for, and darkness.  Are you really living each moment, or are you just alive?  Admittedly, I'm the latter on most of my days.  I'm a weekend warrior, something I promised myself when I was a teenager that I'd never become.  It seemed when I was younger that working all week to live life on the weekends was cheating yourself out of life somehow.  I think my younger self had some great insight that got drowned out by the need to pay the bills as years came and went.

I have a tendency to keep my feelings bottled up inside, with an inevitable explosion happening every once in a while like the occasional dropped soda bottle.  Shouldn't I be more vocal?  Shouldn't we all?  Shouldn't life be more than stops and starts?  Mundane Monday to Friday with jam-packed weekends that leave us more drained than refreshed?  I think as adults, we find it hard to voice our feelings... Or to really feel things.  We block things out in order to get through the day.  That's not the kind of person I want to be.  I want to really feel things, to really express my emotions.  I want to live for more than just 48 hours per week and have a full, vibrant life.

Feeling emotions fully means taking the bad with the joyous, but there's nothing wrong with that.  One tempers the other.  I just have to find the strength to really live each moment, and not just get through life being alive.  Now the question is:  How?